Beryl Gorbman
These are the Yucatan Yenta’s observations on interactions among some of the north American expats in Merida. These musings represent the yenta’s personal theories and probably have no foundation in reality.
From the time we first went to school, or later, when we worked in groups with other people, we have lived in spheres of personal dynamics that have remained static to a great degree throughout our lives. Essentially, we tend to recreate, or try to recreate, our families of origin, or construct new, idealized families.
You know that boss, Mr. Giordanelli, who you just hated on sight 30 years ago? Maybe he reminded you of some other authority figure in your life. Dad, perhaps. Or all the worst qualities of dad. The poor guy might have been a perfectly nice person, but he awakened some unconscious association in you that sparked a negative reaction.
Or just last month, when you were at a social event and were introduced to Elliott and Sandra from Bloomington and Sandra took an instant and obvious dislike to you. You hadn’t done anything, you hadn’t said anything except glad-to-meetcha, but the woman made it clear that she found you unacceptable. Sometimes it’s hard not to personalize irrational behaviors like that, but Sandra probably took one look at you and unconsciously linked you to her reviled younger sister, the one who stole her boyfriend so long ago.
Through our lives, there have always been people we feel an affinity toward – people who may strike some deep chord as your long-departed great aunt Phyllis or your mom. And depending where you are in the birth order of your family of origin, there are complex relationships with other people who may, without our realizing it consciously, take on roles of big sister, younger brother, the sibling you never had, etc. In all these cases, when the feeling is somewhat reciprocated by the other party, we form friendships. Or the opposite.
So what happens when a bunch of active retirees leave their homes, their extended families, and their roots and move to a completely new environment? What do we do? Being social creatures, we set out to create a social network, so we’ll have friends and relationships like we had back in Edmonton or Abilene. We’ve lost our old networks and definitions of ourselves. We need to create new ones, or to try and recreate what we had before we came.
We have all kinds of ways here in Merida of constructing new affinity relationships, of meeting other foreigners with whom we have language and culture somewhat in common, and deciding who we like and don’t like. Who is a confidante, who is not to be trusted. Who is on the same social level and wavelength and who isn’t. Who we want to see more or less of, what competition to be wary of, and what we want socially out of this brand new community we find ourselves in.
Ah, then the fun begins. When we’re in a social pressure cooker with a limited number of people, we feel a need to give most people we meet definitions in our own personal universe. Is this person good for my life or bad? Who are their friends? Do I feel comfortable with them? If Judy is friends with Selma, who I don’t like, can Judy still be my friend? Will this person help me advance my personal agenda or stand in the way? Are they too good-looking or too smart for us, therefore making us feel insecure? Are they patronizing? Or do we feel a need to give them constant advice? Can we trust them? Does this sound like high school? It is like high school. We haven’t changed.
A lot of us move here are at the end of our careers. We are retired, or partly retired. That’s another role we’ve lost. If we’ve achieved some success in our careers, and had a job that involved controlling (aka managing) other people, we might have a hard time letting go of that role. When we join new, already established groups, we may expect to step right into leadership positions. However, when there are numerous other people who feel the same way, the problems begin. We become territorial. We argue over details that mask deeper differences. We bicker and criticize. We compete over essentially nothing.
Are there ways to break these cycles?
Perhaps our competitiveness can be somewhat ameliorated by integrating ourselves more with the culture in which we live. When we become comfortable enough with our new environment, and learn some of the language, we can start forming friendships with people outside of our immediate community, lowering the pressure of defining the limited relationships we have.
Or we can step back and meditate. We can view our new situation and its similarity to high school and its cliques. We can ask ourselves whether we still really need those old roles.
Creating new roles for ourselves can be interesting, challenging and rewarding. And by this I don’t mean telling everyone you’re a neurosurgeon when you’ve sold hardware all your life. What I do mean, is taking chances on people who at first don’t seem like your cup of tea. Or doing stuff you haven’t done before, like volunteering to teach English or taking up pastels or getting a dog. Look around you. This place provides fabulous opportunities to brave new personal frontiers.
This isn’t a lecture. The yenta herself has been completely unable to change any of her high school-like behaviors. She is still leery of stunningly put-together women, tall men with sharp noses, people who excel at sports, and group process.
All theories, scientific or not, start from a personal point of view.
Most people, if they have not developed their social skills by the time they are 40, are not suddenly going to acquire them when they move to a different community.
I love the idea of actually being able to build a new social network in my new environment. Able to choose or refine those persons with whom I want to spend quality time .
We are all going to do it a different way.
I don’t know if I ever consciously thought about this in such detail. I hope that most people coming to live in Yucatan will be doing so because they want something new and exciting at this stage of their lives.
As for assessing whether or not I like someone; I like them unless they do something that turns me off. However, I think a long yardstick is required because there are so many people from such diverse places living here. A lot of times the social interaction we find “odd” is not really this way. It’s just something we’re not used to.
In the years I’ve lived here, I’m sure I’ve met people from every estado mexicano, every state in the USA, all the provinces in Canada and citizens of many other countries as well. I love this aspect of my life.
Joanna
Excellent insights Beryl thank you.
If you want to go fast go alone
If you want to go far go together”
An old African proverb
Beryl,
This is excellent lover! I found it very helpful to remind me I am not responsible for other people’s behavior. I agree with Joanna’s thought, I like everyone until they do something that turns me off, and that can be as simple as I when I introduce myself and extend my hand they nod and walk away….My mind goes into a downspin, oh they don’t like me because they think I have aids, etc, etc. Then I remind myself that it is their problem not mine. I don’t stop and think that my appearance might scare people off, big, TALL with a biker’s skull rag on his head and a rosary around his neck. I assume (and we know where that can leave) that everyone thinks like me; don’t judge a book by its cover!
I then I pray to St, Francis , help me to understand rather to be understood,…most of time it works! But then again I sometimes would think,,,what a bitch, didn’t want to shake my hand. I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS!
Paz Vicente
BG’s response to Vince:
Now here’s a good example about what I’m talking about. Vince’s enthusiasm, big heart, and general personality remind me of my brother Eric, who I adore. Therefore, I adore Vince beyond all rational reason. He probably thinks I’m weird.
oh. …love that African proverb.
Dig the article…
Mistakes are made and one is never too old to make huge shifts in consciousness. Nor give an apology.
Pain is great as it serves as a motivating factor..but if covered up, like it so often is with alcohol, drugs, food, gambling and the like…well, then it’s all the harder, if not doubtful, one can shift measurably.
I say “meditate and pray” and do those mantras..whatever it takes. Life is way to short to be stuck too long in one [painful] place!!
Bravo.
Hugs.
Karen
My dear Beryl,
Thanks for the lovely read and great insights. I love people and have all my life. Some won’t let you near but I always give it my best before giving up. Everyone has something to offer and we just have to look for it. Having lived in another expat community for 8 years I have seen my share of social interactions and I still vote for mankind.
Blessed be everyone who stops me from role playing. Then I can find my unsuspected selves again and again. But I have been in that space you describe, dear Beryl, not so long ago, and as you say, it was not exactly pleasant. All and every suggestion is valid, the point is to keep looking for new doorways…
As usual, Beryl–a stimulating read!. I’d like to offer another thread–one which is added to the variables from our past. That is: the experience of moving away from the country of origin itself.
First of all, there are various motivations for this change (financial, adventure, dislike of the former place, and on and on.) Then there is the variable of length of time here–which I suggest creates cohorts of greater or lesser compatibility ( “newbies” often spend a lot of time “trying to find things,” or learning the ins and outs of things like visas; whereas the not-so-newbie is probably onto other avenues.)
I’ve heard it said that a high percentage of “us” do not ultimately remain.
That sure would be interesting data to uncover–who these returnees are, why they came. and finally left.
My own current theory is that becoming an expat appeals a lot to the socially extraverted, but that this same kind of person may experience the most interpersonal pressure once in a foreign country. Or maybe it is the dominators that experience the pressure? Or maybe I’m quite wrong–maybe the introverts have it hardest?
¿Quien sabe?
I myself have the hardest time with the expats whom I term the “easily persecuted”. I was close to becoming one of them once: I remember, during a stay in Cuernavaca, complaining to someone that the cab driver had charged me more than he’d charged my landlord for a similar trip. Her response: “Well, you are a tourist.” I then began to understand this a bit better–when people are struggling, they do demand what they believe they can get. I probably would, too, in the same situation.
So, maybe it get’s down to–”Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
Reply to Alinde -
Wow – great insights, thank you.
I was actually plannning to explore some of those issues soon. I am fascinated with who becomes an expat and why. The motivations range all over the board. Some of us are looking for things quite different than those other are searching for. Hence, some of the conflicts, I suspect.
Before NAFTA was implemented in 1994, many of the Americans and Canadians in the Yucatan were here because they were escaping something — failed businesses, nasty divorces, bankruptcies, alimony, child support. They were “of a certain age” and wanted to break clean with their pasts, start fresh, and in a place where no one knew of their personal or professional history.
That has changed, and there are now many who are moving to Mexico for business, or to enrich their lives. But it still amazes me how many people don’t do basic homework: Reflecting about why they want to becomin willing strangers in a strange land.
It isn’t as if this is rocket science: (subjective) soul-searching, or something as simple as an objective suitability test. Only you can reflect and meditate on what’s in your heart and your spirit, of course. But for an objective set of questions that have been developed psychologists and sociologists, take this quiz: It might help you understand if you should be an expat in the first place!
Questionnaire
1. My level of education is:
a Post Graduate Degree and/or TEFL Certificate
bCollege Graduate
c Some College
d High School graduate
2. I have:
a More than $5000 in savings
b $3500-5000 in savings
c $1000-3500 in savings
d Less than $1000 in savings
3. My physical condition is:
a Excellent in both stamina and overall physical health
b A little out of shape but basically good
c Fairly good but with a few troublesome health conditions
d Lacking stamina and in need of regular medical attention
4. I am someone who
a Can face any challenge without fear
b Can get by on my own in most challenging situations
c Functions best with a companion
d Is easily frightened by unfamiliar settings or unexpected events
5. I am a person who
a Adapts easily to new situations
b Enjoys the unfamiliar, but prefers my routine
c Avoids unfamiliar situations whenever possible
d Must adhere to a strict and familiar routine
6. When faced with a challenge
a I never give up until I succeed
b I work very hard and usually succeed
c I work at things that come easily and produce immediate rewards
d I give up at the first obstacle
7. When it comes to solving problems
a I use my own resources, logic, intuition and imagination until I find a solution
b I research the problem and usually arrive at a solution
c I seek the help of others for solutions
d I’m not very good at solving problems
8. I’m someone who
a Finds lots in common with strangers and makes friends easily
b Gets along well with most everyone but is slow to form friendships
c Works well with other people but keep to myself
d Is shy or prefers to remain a loner
9. In my relationship with my family, I am
a Very independent
b Closely connected but not on a daily basis
c Very closely connected and rely upon them for support
d Still living with my parents and rely on my family for everything
10. Where food is concerned
a I love to try new foods and will eat most anything
b I enjoy a wide variety of foods and am not too picky
c I am very conservative and stick to the basics
d I am on a strict diet
11. When I take a trip
a I travel well and enjoy all kinds of transportation
b I prefer comfort and luxury but can tolerate most any type of vehicle
c I am a little claustrophobic and prone to motion sickness
d I hate to travel
12. Where honesty and integrity are concerned:
a I uphold both at all costs
b I use my judgment and try to be the best person I can whenever possible
c I frequently bend the rules and compromise my integrity
d I don’t really have a code of behavior for myself
13. When I find myself in a less than ideal situation
a I am always willing to compromise to make the best of a situation
b I hold on to my ideals until I see that a compromise is the only way
c I find it hard to compromise and do so reluctantly
d I do not compromise under any circumstances
14. When life becomes difficult
a I try to see the humor in it and keep a balanced perspective
b I try to solve my problem but not always with the best attitude
c I sink into a bad mood for a while but usually manage to overcome the problem
d I get depressed and discouraged and usually give up
15. When I look back on my life experiences
a I feel that I have lived a rich and rewarding life so far
b Whether good or bad, I learned something from all of them
c I’ve had ups and downs but am still basically optimistic
d Nothing ever seems to work out for me
To score yourself to see if you have what it takes to live and work abroad, give yourself:
3 points for every a,
2 points for every b,
1 point for every c,
and zero for every d.
Bonus Points:
I already have a job awaiting me in my destination: 10 points
I speak the local language: 10 points
I have relatives or friends living there: 5 points
I have traveled extensively in other foreign countries: 3 points
If you scored:
More than 35 – GO FOR IT! You have what it takes!
25-34 – You may encounter some difficulty, but you will probably succeed
15-24 – Take a look at your weak areas and get yourself prepared for the challenge
Less than 15 – Don’t even think about it
Re comment from LEVN
Also posted as a separate article
Great…and I agree.
Those thoughts and experiences were mine as I during the years I lived in Israel…there I connected with other expats from other countries especially those who were English-speaking. The connections were easier there than in Seattle because of the Jewish connection-especially with 4th cousins who survived the Shoah when most were lost to the 3rd Reich. My new friends and associates in Israel included Muslims and Christians.
Living in another culture is a full learning experience – exciting and challenging, frustrating because of lack of the new language knowledge, skills (in some cases how to flush the toilet – Yep!) etc. It is a steep learning curve to adapt. And humbling.